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Breathe…

I was listening to the radio while I was on my way to work and caught the words of Jonny Diaz’s song Breathe playing in the background.

Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
It’s off to the races everybody out the door
I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life

Hmm…I thought…that sounds a lot my life.

Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel you say

I picture my life as a stopwatch that only stops for a few hours at midnight when I finally fall asleep on a pile of clothes on my bed that I was supposed to be folding. When I wake up I’m annoyed because I have yet another chore added to my list for the day because I didn’t do it the night before. I seriously found myself wondering if it was possible to add more hours to the day. As if I have the ability to do it!

At this point I’ve turned the radio up and I’m clinging to every word that I hear. When the song got to the chorus it’s as if everything around me changed to slow motion as I felt the impact of every word soak up every breath that I took.

Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

Deep breath in…Exhale… How long had I been holding my breath and just going through the motions of life?

Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
Want to make the most of time but I feel it slip away
I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life

I’m always on the go. There’s always something for me to do. I’ve asked my husband several times when it’s ever going to be good enough.

What am I striving for? What am I chasing? What’s my goal for life?

What’s the purpose of the things I do day in and day out?

I’m busy, busy, busy and it’s no surprise to see
That I only have time for me, me, me
There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life

 Man…Slap in the face. I was immediately reminded of the countless times that I had 6+ unread text message notifications on my phone. Some were as old as 2 weeks. “I’m too busy to respond. I’ll do it in a minute.” That minute turned into hours, to days, to weeks until eventually I didn’t even bother to respond because so much time had passed. Then my thoughts drifted to one my bridesmaids. I wonder how she’s doing. I haven’t talked to her in a while. We used to talk every day. We used to be so close that we were basically a package deal. But hey we’re both so busy that life just pulled us apart. It’s cool. I tried to reason.

How have I convinced myself to believe such nonsense? If life does not involve building and maintaining healthy relationships then what is it? Do I really expect to do this thing called life on my own? Where is the joy in that? When was the last time I just hung out with the kids playing video games and Barbie’s? I’ve lived in my neighborhood for three years and have the slightest idea of who my neighbors are. How did I get so consumed in my own life that the strong bond that I once had with my best friends is now gone? And what’s worse…I didn’t even realize it.

Am I too far gone? I try to think of things that I can take off of my plate but all of my responsibilities seem too important and impossible to let go of. So I have to wait until things just slow down? Who am I kidding? Will that ever happen?

Is to take it in, fill your lungs
The peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe (just breathe)
let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe (just breathe)

Hearing this song has opened my eyes in so many ways. First of all I see the path that I was on and how meaningless that path is. It’s made me really reflect on the quality of my relationships. It’s gotten me to stop doing what I’m doing, to think about what I’m doing (as my pastor has said). I don’t have it all figured out but I do know that God says his grace is sufficient for me and made perfect in my weakness. He also says to be still and know that He is God. How can I be still in a world that never stops? How can I rest if I’m always working? How can I love others if I’m constantly on the go and not willing to give up my free time, albeit far and in between, because I’ve earned it? How can I know that he is God if I never get to know him by sitting and meditating on his word and reflecting on his sovereignty?

There is more to this crazy life…Just more than what I was making of it…

At least I know where to start…

Deep breath in…

Breathe…

Waiting

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